Children and young people require ongoing attention, reassurance and support during times of loss and bereavement
What is Grief?
Grief is a natural response to loss. It’s the emotional suffering you feel when something or someone you love is taken away. Often, the pain of loss can feel overwhelming. You may experience all kinds of difficult and unexpected emotions, from shock or anger to disbelief, guilt, and profound sadness. The pain of grief can also disrupt your physical health, making it difficult to sleep, eat, or even think straight. These are normal reactions to loss—and the more significant the loss, the more intense your grief will be
Following a death, children can experience various grief reactions:
Emotional responses may include fear, anxiety, confusion, anger, sadness, relief, loneliness, guilt, isolation.
Physical responses may include low energy, interrupted sleep or eating patterns, unexplained aches and pains.
Social responses may include loss of self-esteem and confidence, withdrawal from friends and activities, or a fall-off in school attendance.
Children may exhibit none, some, or many of these responses. All bereaved children and young people need to be heard and have their need for information, simple explanations and reassurance met after a loss.
6 stages of grief:
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
Finding Meaning
By Kessler, D. 2019. Finding Meaning – The Sixth Stage of Grief. New York, USA, Schribner
How children and young people understand and react to grief depends on their age and stage of development
Babies & toddlers
Babies and toddlers don’t understand the concept of death. They can respond to a change in their environment. They will experience feelings of loss, abandonment and insecurity if a significant person is missing. They don’t have the language to express how they are feeling and will pick up on the distress that is around them.
Reactions
increased crying and irritability
being clingy – needing to be held more
looking for the person who has died
being anxious around strangers
possible withdrawal – less interest in play or food (possible weight loss)
regression in previously reached milestones
What Parents can do
hold and cuddle more – keep them close
keep to routines if possible
be calm around them and speak calmly to them
provide comforters, favourite teddies or blankets etc
Another common issue for youth who are disconnected is being in the foster care system.Especially when children enter the system at an older age, they may age out of the system before being adopted. This leaves 18–year-olds on their own without much of a support system for transitioning into adulthood.
Pre-schoolers
Pre-schoolers find it hard to understand that death is permanent. They often develop an interest in the death of birds and animals are developing an understanding that being dead is different from being alive. This age group has rich ‘magical thinking’ where they may think the person can become alive again or that they did something to make the person die.
Reactions
crying more, clinging and being fearful
looking or calling out for the person who has died
tantrums, being irritable or stubborn
withdrawal or showing a lack of response
changes in eating or sleeping habits, less ability to play
temporary regression (such as bedwetting, returning to crawling, wanting a bottle)
having a sense of the presence of the person who has died)
What Parents can do
provide information over time and honest answers to questions
keep routines
talk about who is looking after them and keeping them safe
support them with touch – hugs, encouragement, holding their hand etc
keep close to familiar adults
honestly explain death as a part of life using what they can see (use plats or insects as examples of death in nature)
use words that describe feelings
encourage creative play and exercise as an outlet
for thoughts and feelings
include them in doing something for the funeral (such as drawing a picture to put in the casket or on the service sheet)
create a memory box together
School-aged children
School-aged children gradually begin to develop an understanding that death is permanent and irreversible. Some children may still think that death is temporary or that the person who has died will feel things and be cold, lonely or hungry. Children increasingly become aware that death is an inevitable part of life and can become anxious about their own health and safety. They may be concerned that someone else they love may die.
Reactions
blaming themselves for the persons death
being distracted and forgetful
having increased anxiety for their safety and the safety of people they care about
not wanting to be separated from caregivers
not wanting to go to school; having physical complaints (such as tummy pain, headaches)
may try to suppress their emotions to protect the adults around them
withdrawal from usual activities
being quiet or not showing a response to the death
feeling strong emotional reactions such as anger, guilt or a sense of rejection
behavioural issues (such as aggression, tantrums, defiance, getting into trouble at school)
may try to please adults and take on adult responsibilities
change in eating and sleeping habits; temporary regression
embarrassment around being different
What Parents can do
reassure your child they are safe and say who is looking after them (they may want to know who will look after them if you die)
keep routine and normal boundaries around expected behaviour
tell them that you know they are sad, use words to describe feelings
keep separation from loved adults and caregivers to a minimum
make time to listen to their thoughts and questions and answer honestly
talk about death being a part of life, observe changes in nature and read books about death and dying together
include them in planning for a funeral make a memory box, scrap book, photo album together
encourage play – this is a natural form of communication and an opportunity to process what has happened
encourage exercise
Teenagers
Teenagers understand that death is part of life.
Developmentally, they are in a time of big physical and emotional changes and may flip back and forth between younger age group type reactions and more adult reactions. Grief can have an impact on the developmental task of moving from dependence to independence, where young people move from family ties to increasing reliance on their peers.
It can be difficult to ask for support while asserting independence.
Reactions
difficulty concentrating, being easily distracted
withdrawal, needing more personal space
taking on adult responsibilities and become ‘the carer’ for those around them
‘act out’, isolation, trying hard to please
being overwhelmed by intense reactions such as guilt, anger or fear
having difficulty expressing their emotions
fearing for their own and others’ safety
using jokes and humour to mask their feelings
feeling embarrassed, hiding or minimising their loss
wanting to be close to friends and family
having physical symptoms (such as feeling sick, headaches, stomach aches)
getting into trouble, being defiant, irritable
eating or sleeping more or less than usual
risk taking behaviour to escape, find comfort or to prove they are alive and strong; having a change in self-image, lower self-esteem, confidence
What Parents can do
include them, be honest about what is happening
talk about the death together; be willing to listen and give regular opportunities to be available to answer questions
acknowledge and share your feelings and let your teenager know that you understand it is hard for them; if they don’t want to talk to you, leave helpful information around the house
talk about grief, what is normal and how everyone grieves differently
ask for support from extended family, friends, teachers, GP – ask other adults to be available and check in with your teenager
keep routines, where possible
avoid expectations of adult behaviour
praise and encourage them; seek professional help if you are concerned
How parents can help a child cope
It is not easy for an adult to deal with their own grief and navigate helping a child with their grief.
Be honest
Using euphemisms, such as ‘we lost him’ or ‘she is sleeping now’ can confuse and scare a little one. It is important for children to understand that the person is not only sleeping or lost, but rather their body has stopped working and they are not coming back.
Acknowledge the loss
It is up to the parent to decide if it is appropriate for the child to attend the funeral. If the child is scared to go, don’t force them to do so. You can find other ways to acknowledge your child’s loss.
Write a letter to the loved one, hold your own private celebration of life, light a candle or create a scrap or memory book at home.
Be Patient
A child’s grief cycles in and out, and to an adult, it can feel like they are dwelling on the loss after you thought they had moved on. It is crucial to be patient and respond similarly with comfort and truth every time they return to a moment of grief.
Remember that a reminder, such as the anniversary of the death, could reawaken the grieving process.
Speak with Caregivers
Teachers, particularly, should be in the loop as to what is going on with the family. They need to know information about the death. Whom to turn to if they are noticing signs of distress, and an appropriate way to support the child if they are having an emotional moment.
Parent Self-care
Your child will look to you to see how to deal with their feelings. It is therefor important to make sure that you are taking care of yourself. Talk openly about feelings, but be careful not to burden your child with too many adult issues.
It is OK for parents to speak with a grief counsellor or to attend a grief support group to help you care for your emotions.
Read Books about grief
Your child may benefit from reading or watching stories about loss, death and grief. Be prepared to answer questions about what happens to people when they die.
It is Ok to say if you do not have an answer for a question.
Ways to help your child remember your loved one
Let them keep something that belonged to the person who died, such as an item of clothing.
Make a treasure box where the child can keep all the special items that remind them of the person.
Get each member of the family, including the child, to choose a button or gem stone that represent a happy memory of the person. Make the buttons or gemstones into a collage.
If the child is finding it hard to go to school, create a handkerchief with your fingerprints or handprints on it, and maybe even spray it with scent. This can help them feel that their carer is close to them and safe.
Share happy stories about the person who has died and talk about them.
Look through old photographs or videos.
Make a scrapbook together about the person who has died.
Start a journal of memories that can be added to by anyone at any time. This may help children who have lost someone at a young age to remember the person who has died as they grow up.
Involve the child in choosing pictures for a social media memorial page.
Acknowledgements
www.verywellfamily.com
www.childhoodbereavement.ie
www.kidshealth.org.nz
www.lifenethealth.org
Additional resources:
Mindfulness & grief for Parents
A meditation on grief
https://jackkornfield.com/meditation-grief/
Prepared by:
Dr. Elsabé de Villiers
Educational & Counselling Psychologist
5 Ways Mindfulness Can Help Us Work Through Grief
https://www.mindful.org/5-ways-mindfulness-can-help-us-work-through-grief/
